Who would have ever thought that two little girls, two little sisters who spent a childhood together–many years with just the two and a brother–who would have ever thought they could grow so far apart?
If I could reach back and find that shred of evidence of when the ambivalence began to occur, I would have been able (would be able) to save our relationship. After all, we are sisters, blood sisters. Same father, same mother, same brother.
Sisters do cultivate their own interests, different friends, unlike likes and dislikes. It never occurred to me that her dislike would churn out me, that her commander of the hate headquarters would be me. If I could pluck that negative thought from whatever cosmic wave it came in on, we’d be on the telephone gabbing and giggling right now.
But I do not know when it happened, and I do not know how to make it right. I do not know how I became her compulsion or why. Nor can I convince her that I would never hurt or harm her in any way. If I could raze those negative thoughts that are consuming her, I would do it in an instant. No one wants to see a loved one in pain.
There is not a moment that goes by that I am not thinking of her. I want to be gabbing and giggling on the phone–once a week like we used to. But I just don’t know how.